A chapter from my latest book
Chapter 1
Young Ashley and Jacob
Jacob 8 and Ashley, 5 (2006)
The glow of the Television breaks the total darkness of the living room. Harrison Ford races towards them, chased by a large cement ball. He was in danger of being crushed beneath the weight. Ashley turns, shielding her eyes, and digs her small fingers into Jacob’s thigh.
“Ow,” Jacob yells, his lips purse, as he notices how terrified Ashley is. The two Barrow children sit together on the carpet, which had been beige but is now a dark, muddy brown, its texture coarse to the touch. It’s almost the same brown as the sofa with orange flowers they are leaning against while watching Raiders Of The Lost Ark, for the tenth time. It’s the only movie in the house. Their mom and dad rented it from from the Blockbuster video store on Madison street before it closed and never returned it. The children sit in front of the wall with the panelling, the warmth of the television radiating in front of them. The rest of the walls were a deep pink, the color of a rose, a reminder of the previous residents. Their Mom had spoken about painting the room a different color for two years, but the walls remained the same.
Ashley, five, was too young to be watching such a frightening film, but they had watched Family Guy and since their parents were still out, they decided to watch the movie again. Jacob put his arm around his sister, a gesture of comfort and protection. Ashley’s hair is the color of honey and falls just past her shoulders. Her eyes are large and bright green, her nose small and delicate. Jacob, eight, stands tall for his age, with medium-length blonde hair and eyes as dark as chocolate. Cutting Ashley’s hair is a job that Mom does better; his is always uneven, and it’s made teachers and other kids wonder if he’s been giving himself haircuts. The truth is, his Mom is angry when it’s time to give him a trim, often cutting his forehead and the back of his neck when he moves too much.
Jacob’s smile has the ability to brighten up any room, although he doesn’t smile often. He chose to wear his green and gray striped shirt and jeans today. Ashley wears a pink sleeveless dress, her other dress is blue with an apple on the chest. She also has a pair of pink pants she wears with a purple shirt. When their Mom takes the laundry to the laundromat, Ashley only has her underwear on while the clothes are being washed but she doesn’t care. She prefers having less restrictive clothes on. Jacob has over three outfits because their aunt brings him clothes when his cousin Ronny outgrows them.
On the table between the two young children and the television are empty dinner bowls. The kids discovered a box of Cocoa Puffs in the cupboard. There was no milk, but Jacob located a couple of bruised apples in the refrigerator and cut around the bruises to add to the dry cereal for flavor. When their mom and dad are home, they make dinner for the kids, but often they don’t come home until bedtime or later. It’s those days when the kids scavenge through the cabinets to find their own dinner, and today was one of those days.
The front door bursts open, slamming into the wall with a bang, causing the siblings to jump. Michelle Barrows stumbles into the hall behind the family room, laughing. “I can’t believe you were looking at that red head all night. You really think she would go for the likes of you?” She pushes her long red blond hair out of her eyes, revealing her dark mascara smeared eyes.
The kids freeze. Adam holds Ashley’s arm down tight to keep her from getting up and running. He knows they can’t escape without being seen if they move and hopes the adults will proceed to their rooms without noticing their children.
“What do you mean? I wasn’t looking at a redhead. I only have eyes for you, baby,” said David, slurring his words. His stringy, dark blonde hair touched his shoulders. He wore jeans and a t-shirt, stained from doing general construction work for a project in Palm Desert.
Michelle sees the tv flicker, and her eyes land on the kids. “What are you guys doing up? Get to your room and get to bed. God, you two are ruining my buzz.”
The two get up, moving as quickly as possible, hoping to get to the staircase before their mother. It’s best to stay out of mom and dad’s way. Jacob makes sure Ashley was in front of him, shielding her from the smack that might come. He hates being hit, but detests seeing Ashley hit, so young she gets knocked down, giving their mom time to whack her again.
Tonight, the kids get lucky and beat their mom to the staircase, racing up the stairs to their bedroom. Jacob helps Ashely get into her pajamas, a shirt and shorts set with pink polka dots, a size too small, and tucks her into bed before changing into his gym shorts and tee shirt. When his mom and dad are really late, Jacob will read Goodnight Moon, another hand-me-down from his aunt to Ashely with the lights on.
Their room, courtesy of the former occupants, is baby blue on the bottom half, white on top, and separated by a peeling gold border. A small window with brown curtains, perhaps matching the muddy brown carpet downstairs, provides a glow from the streetlight. Ashley and Jacob, each have a twin bed, separated by a white shared dresser. Jacob crawls into his bed. A few minutes later, Ashley stands at his bedside, holding a small blue blanket and sucking her thumb. Jacob lifts the white sheet, holding it open until Ashley crawls in next to him. Mom and dad hate it when the two sleep in the same bed, but he feels sorry for Ashley and he has to admit that her body is warm next to him. It isn’t always warm in their room.
***
Ashley
1997 (Ashley is 17)
Today, I barged into Debra’s clean white kitchen through the back door. The yummy smell of soup on the stove is a nice break from the gross smell of food and dishwater on my clothes from work. My gross work clothes are overpowering and I can’t escape the smell.
In my deli uniform, I’ve got on black pants, a blue button-down shirt, and some worn-out tennis shoes that are more gray than white. I think about washing them before tomorrow, but then I see my three-month-old baby Adam on a cozy blanket and forget all about it. I just plop myself down next to the baby. He can’t take his eyes off the cool toy hanging above him, so I reach up and make the characters come to life with my fingers. Adam’s body is spazzing out. “He’s really into this toy, Debra. I missed you while I was at work, little man. Everyone’s always asking about you. Of course, I always tell them how amazing and beautiful you are.”
Debra stops stirring the soup on the stove, turns, and sits down at the small chrome table with the navy blue top, to watch me and Adam.
“Do you have any ice cream? He loves ice cream.”
“Good lord, child, you can’t give your baby ice cream yet. He can only have formula at his age. I swear, girl, sometimes you don’t have a lick of sense in that head of yours.” Her expression turns serious. “He’s really stopped up today and sneezing. I think he may have allergies. You and Todd need to stop smoking near him. It aggravates his breathing.”
“Do you think so? Is there something for babies I can give him?”
Debra’s like, “So, what’s up with your WIC benefits, Ashley? I think my mom did all that for me, but I’m not sure.
“Ashley, you can’t just try giving a baby medicine to figure out what might help. Adam needs to see a doctor. There’s a clinic on Oasis street we can take him to. I’ll call them tomorrow and make an appointment after I call your mom.”
I was thinking I had heard about this WIC before, but I wasn’t exactly sure what it was. My mom had always taken care of things for me, like doctor’s appointments and paying for things.
“I need some money from you to buy more food. You need to contribute your paycheck.”
Got it. My mom had asked for my paycheck too, and gave me spending money for gas after I cashed it. “Debra, the deli paid me last week, but Todd demanded all my money for letting me stay here. He told me to put in more hours. I’ve asked for more hours, but the manager says he doesn’t trust me alone at the deli yet, not after I ruined all the sandwich meat last week. I left it on the counter when I left, instead of putting it in the refrigerator. It had to be chucked. But no one told me to put things back in the refrigerator.” My voice quivered and Debra walked over, leaned down and hugged me.
“It’s okay, Ashley. I’ll talk to Todd about the money. Don’t worry. Why don’t you go take a shower? You smell like a restaurant kitchen.”
While I was getting ready, I heard Todd chatting with his mom in the kitchen.
“Todd, I need that money to buy food for all of us. You can’t keep Ashley’s money. I can’t support all of us with my disability checks.”
“It’s not my fault she’s too stupid to be left alone at the deli, Mom. She only made $60.00, and I needed it for gas.”
“Don’t call her stupid. Hey, you guys were in the same special ed class, remember? If you didn’t knock her up, her mom wouldn’t have dumped her and her kid on our doorstep.”
***
I remember the day my mom drove me and Ava over to the Gray house. How she walked us up the stairs to the front door and when Debra answered, she held out a bag with my things in it.
“It was hard enough taking care of these two before your son knocked up my daughter. Now, you can take care of them.” She turned, walking towards her car.
I sat on the step, not looking at Debra, and played with my six-month-old daughter, Ava. My mom totally mortified me. I couldn’t handle seeing Debra’s face when she rejected her and said I had to go.
Living with Todd sounded amazing. I was so in love with him, thinking he loved me back and would take care of me. He used to take me to Debra’s after school, and she was always cool. But ever since I got pregnant, she’s been acting distant and not as friendly. I thought Debra would kick me out, so I’d have to go back to my mom’s.
Debra glanced at my little girl, Ava, and told Michelle to hold on. That girl ain’t my granddaughter. You take her back with you.” Michelle spun around and moved quicker down the stairs, as if the building were ablaze. She hopped into the vehicle and drove away, tires screeching.
Debra glared at me. “You can stay until the baby’s born, but the kid has to go somewhere else. She isn’t my problem.” She opened the door for us to come in.
I suggested to Debra that my cousin, who had watched Ava before, could do it again. It was tough to let go of Ava, but my cousin could give her a place to stay for now. If I got lucky, Debra and Todd might change their minds and let Ava stay with them forever.
I used Debra’s phone to call up my cousin, Leslie Gerard, and asked her to babysit Ava. She’s married and watches kids at home while her husband does construction. She had watched Ava before and instantly fell in love with the little girl, not having any kids herself.
“I would love to watch Ava again for you. Just make sure you bring me some food and diapers,” said Leslie.
When Todd came home, he drove me and Ava over to Leslie’s house.
***
From the bedroom we share with Todd, I’m pulling up my jeans, still listening to Todd and Debra.
“She’s a sweet girl, Todd, but she doesn’t even know if she has WIC or not. Her mother refuses to help her and without help, she is ill-equipped to care for your baby. She ruined food at the deli because she didn’t know enough to put it back in the refrigerator. What if she forgets and leaves Adam in the bathtub or forgets to feed him?”
I catch a quick peek of myself in the mirror. My eyes are watery and shiny, looking half-filled. Debra’s totally right, no doubt about it. I’m a total mess and I suck at everything. It’ll be good for my children if I’m not around. Even though I love them, I think Adam is better off with Leslie. My heart’s in pieces, but I’m working on a plan for my kids’ safety.
When Todd comes into our bedroom, I excitedly share an idea with him. “We should check if Leslie is available to babysit Adam tonight while we hang out with friends.” I try to hide the tremble in my voice, concealing my hidden agenda.
Todd, the ultimate party animal, is totally down for my plan.
We reach Leslie’s doorstep, and I feel my heart skip a beat. I get all choked up as I hand over Adam, my precious baby boy. Leslie has no idea what’s coming as she warmly welcomes him.
I catch a glimpse of Ava playing on the floor in the living room behind Leslie and quickly push past my cousin to run towards my little girl, picking her up and giving her a tight hug. “How is my little girl? Mommy loves you so much.” Ava grunts and pushes at my arms wanting to be put down. Feeling so emotional, I gently put the child back in front of her toy. She doesn’t recognize me now.
Leslie wants to make it clear that looking after Ava is no problem at all. She loves the little girl like her own, and would love to keep caring for her as her own child, but keeping the infant would be too much. Todd and I promise her we’ll be back in the morning to get Adam.
Guilt and determination are swirling in my mind, pushing me to keep going. I know this night out means more than just relaxing—it’s about making sure my kids are safe. It’s a huge relief knowing they’re taken care of.
We’re heading to Burr Park in Indio to meet our friends. Once I’m there, I enjoy every sip of the variety of drinks they offer me. There’s weed and coke going around. Eagerly, I reach for all of it until the sting of Debra’s hurtful words fades away, and the heartache of leaving my kids dulls.